There I am, in all my glory. I am 8 months pregnant and very blessed. It's a great story, I swear.
About three years ago my husband and I experienced one of the most heartbreaking thing we have ever had to go through. Miscarriage. This was going to be our fourth child. We had a name picked out and everything, Kodi. We were both devastated by the loss of our child after the fourth month. Everybody always tells you "your in the clear" after three months but that wasn't the case for us. There were never any clear or definitive answers as to why we lost our baby. But I can assure you I was so heartbroken and the experience left me depressed for a long time. I still see what I call "phantom baby" in my home. I think to myself that baby would be three years old right now and I picture a chubby toddler scuffing his footsie pajamas through my home. I don't think that will ever stop.
Because I am in my late thirties and I have some underlying health conditions my husband and I just assumed that we were done having children after the miscarriage. We were leaving the experience on a somber note. I had begrudgingly accepted the fact that I lost the baby. Begrudgingly because the townie heroin addict down the road was somehow able to carry her baby to full term. I had a lot of questions for God.
Fast forward to March of 2020. March 18th hits and we are told to stay home and stay safe. Covid-19, a major pandemic has hit and our only way of saving lives was a mandatory stay home order. This was where things became very interesting. I know that my relationship with my husband is not the only one affected by the stay home order.
My husband and I were spending more time together than we had ever spent with each other in 7 years. I know some people were at each others throat being cooped up together. That was not the case for us. We were at each others throats in a different kind of way. Wink. We became really close during that time, we watched movies, had at home date nights, cooked dinners together and talked more. It was the best time I have ever spent with him when I look back.
Of course you know where this is going, I became pregnant. I was proclaimed a geriatric pregnancy. Which still makes me smile anytime I hear or say it. In case you didn't know, if your 35 or older and you become pregnant you are considered a geriatric pregnancy. All I can picture is a cane in one hand for walking and a baby in the other.
My husband and I were so happy, excited, hopeful, cautious, scared, energized. Every emotion you can imagine after losing a baby and never thinking we could right that wrong. It was an absolute blessing from God. Something we never planned but made from the purest love. Possibly a little too much wine one night.
Being pregnant during the pandemic has been scary to say the least. I don't know if I'm more scared of becoming infected with the virus or more scared of the sheer negligence of other humans around me not taking this pandemic seriously. I am considered a high risk pregnancy to begin with because of my Factor V Leiden but now I'm even more at risk with Covid-19 becoming worse day by day.
My husband is really the one who has to take the brunt of the beating too. He is constantly being asked to shower because of the people he is around and the activities he participates in. Sometimes he tells me I'm crazy and he is resistant to appease me but eventually I think he hears the desperation in my voice and that I'm really just scared so he will take that shower. I love him for that.
I have made my world as secluded in-person as possible. Thank goodness for our social media accounts so we can stay in contact with other humans. I shop for food with the seniors, senior shopping hours are early in the mornings when the stores open. Sometimes if there is a slot available, I make my online orders and pick up in the parking lot. Anytime I go anywhere I wear a mask, even though I can not breathe. Seriously my lungs are smooshed from this baby and adding a mask makes me feel like I'm going to pass out. But I do it because I'm protecting not only myself but others too. I keep hand sanitizer in my vehicle. I sanitized my hands before I go in and I sanitize the hands when I get back to my car. I wash my hands all day long at home and I clean surfaces at home with sanitizing cleaners constantly to keep the family safe.
Covid-19 has definitely made me more cautious, especially now that I have this bundle of joy on the way. I become anxious when I have to visit my doctor at the hospital. I don't want to go touch and breathe in the same things other people are. The hospital doesn't allow my husband in anymore for the ultrasounds or the scheduled doctors appointments. It breaks my heart for him because it is his baby too. We understand why they do it, but this is my husbands very last baby, after the loss of our last child, and he wants to take part too. Everyday life has changed, for everyone.
The things I look forward to these days are fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Finding a comfortable position in bed so I can actually sleep without being in pain. Sleeping late on Saturdays and Sundays. Family dinners with my children and husband at night. Reading a great book in the evening; I have been reading more than ever now. Alone time with my husband even if it is just streaming movies or TV shows. Finally the small glimmers of goodness and kindness I have seen that has been brought out of people who have been struggling together.
Covid-19 has been really hard for all of us and yes it has changed all of our lives we were used to living but there has been some very beautiful things and blessings we have been given through it all.
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